A record number of marriages end up in divorce proceedings every year. Unfortunately, once the couple has reached this stage, there is little they can do except to try and solve everything amicably.
Typically, everyone suffers to some degree in a divorce. However, the children suffer the most. Their entire lives change. No longer do they have a stable environment where they can feel safe and loved. In fact, many children often believe that they are at fault and that mom and dad are breaking up because of them.
To an adult who knows the real reason why the divorce is occurring, this may seem foolish on the child's part. Don't make the mistake of discounting their feelings. Everyone is entitled to feel the way that they do, whether their emotion is based in reality and cold, hard facts or not.
Step away from your own sadness, despondency, or anger for a moment and talk to your child or children. Allow them to voice their feelings so that you have a true understanding of what it is that they are going through at the time. Realize that their feelings are legitimate.
Telling them not to feel this way is not going to help. You need to talk things out in a clear and informed manner so that they can truly understand. With understanding, realization will follow. If they are old enough to understand, then they will be able to let go of their sense of guilt so that they can deal with their other emotions.
Think about the situation for a moment. Maybe the divorce is a good thing for you. Maybe you don't mind moving to a new home. Maybe you don't mind having a new relationship. Maybe you don't mind that money will be tight and you have to disconnect the cable television. Maybe you don't mind having to share your children, after all, they will always be there for you.
What about your children? Maybe they don't want to go to a new school and make new friends. Maybe they don't want to worry about hurting mom or dad when they talk about how much fun they had with the other parent. In fact, maybe they don't want to share you with a new person. Maybe they don't want to give up cable television because they won't have anything to push away their sadness while they wait for you to arrive home from work.
Once you have looked at it from the viewpoint of your child, you will have a better understanding of what they will be going through over the next few months or years. The manner in which you and your spouse deal with things is going to have a big impact on your children.
Remember that your children have nothing to do with this decision and you should do everything possible to minimize the impact. Learn to let go of your anger with your spouse. Accept that the divorce is going to happen and plan to do what's best for the children. If you take care of the needs of your children first, everything else will fall into place.
If you and your ex have disagreements, try not to discuss them in front of your children. When you make plans for custody and visitation, don't just consider the immediate future. Take a look into the long range scheme of things and factor that into your decision making process. If money is a problem, try to find ways to cut back that won't affect the children. Consider getting a part time job on some of the days when you don't have the children.
Whatever it takes should be your new motto within reason. If you think before you talk, talk before you plan, and plan with everyone in mind, things will go more smoothly.
Cris Walker Roskelley, MFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping people get through major life changes. In particular, Cris enjoys helping children deal with divorce, loss, and change. Cris has worked therapeutically with adults, children, couples, families, and groups since 1992 in both brief and long-term counseling. She is a Certified Prepare/Enrich Relationship Counselor and has had extensive training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
You may visit her website [http://www.crismft.com] to receive the "Top 10 Tips to Survive Your Transition."
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