In a perfect world, reasoning with your child/teen would settle ALL debates, arguments, fights, shouting matches, and hurt feelings when your child/teen doesn't get his/her way! Logically it would make total sense. If I simply explain to my child/teen, and give an acceptable reason, then he or she will "see the light".
Then, the child will transform his or her behavior, and possible even thank me for taken the time to explain it, in such a caring and eloquently manner. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world--reasoning while directing simply is an ineffective parenting strategy.
It is wishful "thinking" for parents to give an explanation to their eight year old son, as to "why" it is a "bad idea" to beat up his or her brother, when the little brother stole a toy. Any conversation, at this point, will make the situation worse. The reality is there are only a few ways to effectively handle these kinds of scenarios...
1) Stop any physical fighting immediately (only use force necessary to stop fight, not to hurt them).
2) Stay neutral from picking sides
3) Review, Reestablish, or Create Rules.
4) Provide verbal alternatives to physically fighting
5) Have the child practice those alternatives right then and there.
6) Redirect interaction by reviewing rules or setting new rules for continuing play.
7) State consequences, if rules are not followed
8) Follow through on consequences, if inappropriate behavior continues.
9) If follow through is necessary, let the child know he or she will have another opportunity to try again the next day, when the child is able to follow directions.
Simply put, reasoning with your child/teen while giving a direction is an ineffective leadership skill. In the majority of parent-child interactions, it is more effective to direct, redirect, instruct, give alternatives, set limits, provide consequences, and follow through. When you can apply these strategies calmly and confidently, your child/teen will be perfectly okay with being told what to do. When you are comfortable with giving directions, without a reason, others will be comfortable following your lead, without one, too.
Do you want to learn exactly how to eliminate your child's out-of-control and defiant behavior without using Punishments, Time-Outs, Behavioral Plans, or Rewards?
To Download and listen to my FREE audio recordings visit: http://www.theinhomeparentcoach.com
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Unleash The Parental Leader Within!
Jason Johnson (MSW) has spent many years working with hundreds of challenging toddlers through teenagers diagnosed with A.D.H.D, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Aspergers Syndrome, and Bi-polar. He has worked with children and their families in hospitals, mental health facilities, and he continues to go into client's homes until this very day. Jason works with boys and girls (ages 2-19) with SEVERE emotional/behavioral issue from various ethnic backgrounds, races, and religions.
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