You're a parent, and you love your child. But you've been tearing your hair out trying to figure out why your child is acting the way they do. They won't pay attention to what you say. They won't pay attention to what the teacher says. They are disruptive everywhere they go, or they just seem to be constantly zoning out. You can tell them to do something, and they'll say "OK!" five times, but they never seem to actually get into gear to do it. The one thing that they seem an expert at is watching TV or playing video games.
So you took then to a doctor, either through frustration, or because someone said you should, and he referred you to a specialist, who tested your child. And now you have the lovely diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and maybe a prescription for some drugs. But you have no idea what to do from here.
So, problem solved, right?
Unfortunately, for most children, that's not the case. People with true cases of ADD have an altered brain chemistry, and an altered brain functioning. Some drugs will help to normalize that, but it is rarely a cure-all. Most people who are both successful and have ADD have either trained themselves, or been trained by others in how to partially compensate for and work with their non-normal brain functioning. Additionally, a host of other learning defects will often (but not always) accompany ADD. These may include, dyslexia, dysgraphia, hand-eye coordination issues, and others. Add to all of this the feelings of guilt, shame, and being "less than" that come from everyone being frustrated at you, and at your frustration at yourself, and you have a powerful combination for setting someone on the track to fail in life. (Many people with moderate to severe cases of ADD end up in prison.)
When I was diagnosed with ADD, my parents had several choices. They could have ignored the problem, and attempted to pretend that they had a normal boy who was choosing to be bad. They could have clamped down on me harder, and attempted to make me normal through sheer willpower. They could have thrown me at a psychiatrist and washed their hands of it. They could have treated me as a cripple and thrown pity at me. Instead, they did the best thing that they possibly could have for me.
They fought for me.
Once my parents learned what was wrong, they changed from my accusers to my advocates overnight. They actively learned about my ADD. They found people who could teach me the skills to help compensate for my altered brain functioning. They found people who could teach me how to study more effectively, and who could use motor training to help me with the hand eye coordination issue that made it very hard for me to write. They worked with the schools to both keep me from drowning, and to keep me challenged. (Because of their work with the schools, I was in both remedial and gifted programs at the same time.) And they got me help in learning how to leverage my strengths.
But most of all, they supported me emotionally. And I can positively say that this was one of the most important turning points in my life. Because of their help, and because I had parents who believed in me, I was able to battle through every other person and teacher who constantly told me I as lazy and would never amount to anything. Without their help, I might never have made it. There is a good chance that I would have given up.
Today, I have a degree in Economics from TCU. I have worked in the tech industry on million dollar pieces of equipment, and served in network operations over a network that spans the globe. I have a lovely wife and daughter. While I was never a straight A student, I have several impressive academic awards and an SAT score that would get me automatic admission to MENSA. And I owe all of it, at least in part, to my parents taking up the role of being an advocate.
At this point, your son or daughter is probably at their wit's end. Believe it or not, they really do want you to respect them, love them, and be proud of them. But they seem to be constantly failing you, and everyone else around them, and they can't understand why.
Now is the time to sit down with them and have one of the most important discussions of their lives. Make sure that you're ready for this, before you do it, because it will require a lot of time, effort, and sacrifice on your part to keep these promises.
Let them know that you've been frustrated with them, but that you didn't know what the problem was, and you do now. Let them know that the road ahead will be hard, and that they will have to work harder than those around them to get to where they need to go. Let them know that you will do everything that you can to get them what they need, but you expect them to fight for their lives as well. Let them know that ADD doesn't mean that you get a free ride, it means that you have to fight harder than everyone else to get what you want out of life, and that you will be with them in that fight.
But most of all, let them know that they are not bad, are not lazy, are not just "not trying", and that you love them.
For a person with ADD, the mantra of their life is often, "Try harder." The fight that a person with ADD has is with themselves, and it's constant. It's easy to just give up. That's why it's so important that you child knows that you're with them in that fight.
Dean Davis
Dean Davis owns and runs http://your-attention-please.com, a website dedicated to helping those who have ADD, their friends, and their families.
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