Divorce is not the end of family life. A man and a woman get married with all the expectations that the marriage will lead to many exciting opportunities; one of which includes children.
According to the United States Census Bureau, the divorce rate in the United States was slowly dropping in the early 1990s'. The U.S. divorce rate was about 48%. In this century, the divorce rate is around 38%. According to divorcemagazine.com, over one million children are involved in a new divorced family annually. It was once predicted (in the late 1970's) that divorce would cripple the children of this nation with depression and mental illness. Even though divorce may leave many children feeling sad and helpless, the research is not showing that children are automatically scarred for life.
The purpose of this section in Scott Counseling is to provide parents with information to assist their child (or children) in the divorce. The following paragraphs will provide you with some topics and guidelines to help you assist your child.
The Day My Parents Told Me
Telling your child that his parents will no longer be married and living together with him or her can be traumatizing for both the parents and the child. It's important that both parents consider the following while telling your child about your pending divorce.
Try to share the decision that you made together with your child.
Be honest, open and sensitive to your child's reaction.
Both parents need to let the child know that you still love him or her. While speaking with your child at this time, it's important that you let the child know that the divorce is not their fault.
Are Things Going To Be The Same?
Your child is going to want to know what is going to happen to you and to him or her. The child may be thinking the following thoughts:
"Why don't my parent love each other any more?"
"Where am I going to live?"
"Am I going to have to change schools?"
"Do my parents still love me?"
"What am I going to tell my friends?"
"Will me and my parents be able to make it financially?"
"I don't want this to happen!"
Who's To Blame?
It's important that both parents together, if possible, let the child know that the divorce is not the child's fault. Sometimes parents fight in front of their children regarding how the child should be raised or parented. If this occurred before you shared your intentions of getting a divorce with the child, he or she may feel that they are the reason for the divorce. Children who feel that they are the cause of the divorce may begin to feel guilty, depressed and overwhelmed. Constantly assure the child that you made this decision with the other parent.
Taking Sides
It's very common for children to be concerned about you while you are going through a divorce. The child may feel obligated to take sides with one parent or both parents throughout the process. It's important that you let your child know the following:
"Mom and dad both love you. We are not all going to be living together anymore, but we will all continue to talk and do what is best for you."
"I expect you to love your father (or mother) and you do not have to pick a side. We hope the you will continue to love both of us."
"We will be honest with you and we hope that you will be honest with us."
Do not tell or say something to your child that is not true or that you cannot support.
Other relatives may begin to take sides. It's important that all adults and relatives associated with the family realize that children cannot often cope during and after a divorce. It's important that grandparents, aunts, uncles and other family associates no not take sides in front of the children. Children are often hurt when adults make negative comments in front of them regarding the divorce.
My Mom and Dad are Acting Like Kids
Yes, it's true. Parents can acted like kids. Guess what? Kids know when we are acting immature too. Kids are often forced to play the adult role when this occurs. Here are some examples when parents going through a divorce act like a child:
"I'm not going to talk with your dad about who pays for your school supplies. You ask him."
"You're mom should have thought of that before she divorced me."
"Tell your dad to call me first before he says, "yes" to you."
"I can't go to work today. Your father makes me mad. Can you call my work for me?"
Parents in a divorce act like kids when they put their child in the middle of decision- making that needs to be done by the parents together.
I Want To Love Both Mom And Dad
Children of divorced parents need to feel love from both parents at the same time. How can you make this happen?
Attend your child's activities (sports, plays, school conferences etc.) together. You do not need to sit together, just be there together.
Be civil and polite to each other, especially while you are in front of the child. Remember, you are the child's primary role model. How you treat others, including your former spouse, will often determine how they will learn to treat other individuals that come into their life.
Communicating and sharing decisions for the child's well being are important to your child. Keeping the child out of the middle while making decisions demonstrates your love and concern for the child.
Say, "Your mom and I both love you." Or, "I love you and your dad does too." When your child speaks poorly about the other parent, it's important to tell the child that this is not appropriate if you believe that the decision was made in the best interest of the child. Say, "Your mom made this decision because she loves you and I support her decision." This may be hard to do, but it demonstrates the love toward the child by both parents.
Are My Parents Ever Going To Get Back Together?
If you and your former spouse have no plans of getting back together, tell the child that you love him or her, but this is not going to happen. Be honest, sincere and straightforward. Don't allow the child to believe that there is a chance of you getting back together if you have no plans to make the relationship work.
My Parents Are Dating
Your child's reaction to your decision to develop new relationships by dating may be unpredictable. You may want to, however, consider the following before you decide to begin dating:
Speak with your child about his or her feelings toward you and your decision to date someone new. Say, "How would you feel if I went out to dinner with a man (or woman) that I work with?"
Allow your child to share his or her feelings regarding dating.
Be prepared to receive a negative, a positive or a neutral response.
Do not over-react to any response that the child provides.
Stay calm.
If your child gives you a response that demonstrates one of concern, say, "I'm glad you are being honest with me. I love you. Talk to me about your concerns." Listen, stay calm and be honest about your feelings.
Try to come up with a solution together.
Tell your child why dating is important to you.
Be patient and make a decision that will work in the long term for you and your child.
Scott Wardell is a school counselor and created ScottCounseling.com to provide parents with hundreds of free parenting articles an online e-mail counseling services.
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