My 8 year old son who has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) since 5 years old has been coming home with "write ups" from school almost daily for the past 3 weeks. My wife and I, my son's doctors, and all the other folks involved with his day-to-day struggles agree that all the signs of Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) and so many thoughts run through our heads trying to foresee his future.
He shows all the symptoms of ODD: the constant arguing and whining, the refusal to do simple tasks, and lying about why he does things. (65% of all ADHD children show signs of ODD.) He also is very adept at pushing our buttons so we want to lose control and he wins. These are things that trouble us greatly as parents, but he is our child and we are committed to doing everything in our power to help him with his ADHD treatments.
A major contributing factor to his ODD (all issues regarding causes such aside) is a lack of trust for adults. Somewhere in his short history he has determined that adults and authority figures don't know what's best for him. Most of that can be attributed to his ADHD and the lack of our understanding as to how his mind really works. He continually is frustrated when adults don't understand that he does try to do the things we ask but his brain won't let him.
So we have adapted the following techniques to help us win back his trust:
1. We refuse to argue. Or child's first line of defense is to start an argument. We have to remain calm or things just escalate. We set rules and consequences of not following the rules and when they are not complied with, we (try to) calmly refer to those rules.
2. We refuse to cater, coddle, or pamper him when he is acting out. Otherwise he'll think, "I must be the boss." And if he throws a tantrum, we try not to let it affect us and our demeanor. His tantrums are control tactics plain and simple. H can control this. We try to send him to another room and if that doesn't work, we move to another room. He settles down rather quickly with the lack of attention and usually in 10 minutes, he acts as if it never happened.
3. We refuse to get emotionally overwhelmed. We may say "I need a time-out. I will be back in 10 minutes." We leave and return in exactly ten minutes. We show a good role model this way by showing appropriate behaviors during high stress. He does look up to us more than we realize for role modeling and he will pick up the bad stuff more quickly than the good stuff so we need to try to always show good stuff.
4. We refuse to raise your voice. If he's out of control, we talk soft so he may lower his voice to hear us.
5. We refuse to beg, bribe, or nag about the bad rather we try to praise him when he is good. We are working with school teachers and staff to encourage good behavior as well. We are implementing a plan of simple rewards like printed certificates, special jobs in the classroom, and things of that nature when he behaves well or performs certain tasks without a lot of struggles. We are focused on giving him a reason to do well.
6. Refuse to hit, spank, or threaten. We already know that these methods do not work. It does nothing but exasperate the situation. We need to truly understand hat his mind does not work in a "logical" fashion and that really gives him what he wants and leaves us further frustrated and feeling hopeless.
7. We refuse to hold grudges or problems in the past. It's impossible to change the past, so we can't continue to bring it up. That is bad in any relationship and not just a parent / child relationship. It does nothing to build the trust and confidence in our son with ADHD.
The results of these methods (and our applications of them) have not been perfect but the change has indeed been dramatic. He now acts more calmly in these stressful times and so do we. The "meltdowns" are much shorter and less intense and we are teaching him coping skills. Isn't that what all we ADHD parents want? Don't we want to teach our child how to manage their condition for a more bright future?
The bottom line is we need to be calm in order to motivate our child to improve his behavior and win our praise and attention. The first step is to learn and respect your child's special needs without getting emotionally overwhelmed and without catering to his demands. When you learn how to calm the parent-child relationship, your ADHD / ODD child will then begin to react differently.
If you're like most other parents of ADHD children, you may be making innocent errors that actually make your child's behavior worse. Please don't blame yourself. You couldn't possibly have guessed. So forgive yourself right this minute. All you have is the present. What you do right now builds your future, and your child's, so make it count. Your calmer response will be so surprising that your child will admire and respect your patience and strength of character. Then and only then will he trust you enough to learn from you.
About the author: Roger Douglass is a parent of 2 children with ADHD, one 20 years old and one 8 years old, and maintains ADHD-digest.com, a website with articles, guidance, and resources for parents of children with ADHD and adults with ADHD.
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