Many times, parents are not aware that they are asking their children/teens to do something, when they are really attempting to tell them what to do. It is usually disguised by the misuse of your tone of voice (specifically, by putting it in a question form, instead of a command form).
Examples:
"Are you ready for bed?"
(When it's past bed time)
"Can you put on you coat, please?"
(When the child is outside in the cold)
"Would you like to take a bath now?"
(When it's bath time)
"Could you come to the table to eat with us?"
(When it's dinner time)
"Why won't you sit still?"
(When you want them to stop moving)
"Why aren't you dressed yet?"
(When school starts in 5 minutes)
Anytime a question is being presented to children/teens, the question non-verbally communicates that they have some say in the matter. If in that moment, they do not want to do something (or don't feel like it) they will avoid it! Your child/teen "appears" defiant because of the presentation of a choice, when there was none.
Let us now discuss how to turn those questions into calm, yet firm commands. It is important to have a neutral tone of voice because it shows your child that you are standing your ground. Also, your calmness is contagious and will help your child calm down.
Are you ready for bed? (When it's past bed time)
Becomes...
It's bed time.
Can you put on you coat, please? (When the child is outside)
Becomes...
It is cold outside, put your coat on.
Would you like to take a bath now?" (When it's bath time)
Becomes...
It's bath time.
Could you come to the table to eat with us? (When it's dinner time)
Becomes...
It's dinner time, come sit at the table with us.
Please note that an action must be accompanied with these new ways of calmly stating your directions. Words alone are empty because they only make up 10% of communication; there must be a non-verbal follow through to back up the words.
Do you want to learn exactly how to eliminate your child's out-of-control and defiant behavior without using Punishments, Time-Outs, Behavioral Plans, or Rewards?
To Download and listen to my FREE audio recordings visit: http://www.theinhomeparentcoach.com
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Jason Johnson (MSW) has spent many years working with hundreds of challenging toddlers through teenagers diagnosed with A.D.H.D, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Aspergers Syndrome, and Bi-polar.
He has worked with children and their families in hospitals, mental health facilities, and he continues to go into client's homes until this very day. Jason works with boys and girls (ages 2-19) with SEVERE emotional/behavioral issue from various ethnic backgrounds, races, and religions.
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